mylodon: (Default)
[personal profile] mylodon
In the Morning Mr. Kennedy Will Be Sober...

I posted the first version of this last December then took it down to re-write for the HH2007 fanzine. The story is now much extended and the second part is quite different to the original.

I have left the editor's note from the fanzine intact as it is rather endearing (must find what's in there to warn anyone about. *g*)



(Editor’s Note: The following story is ‘slashy’ in nature. You have been warned.)


It had not been a good few days for Jack Sparrow; despite all the potential that the Christmas period had seemed to be awash with, every glorious opportunity had dissolved like salt in a cask of water and left as nasty a taste.

He’d been invited by Norrington – now a prodigal who’d been clasped back to his familial bosom and for whom the fatted calf had been suitably grilled – to spend some time in London with the rest of the man’s kin. Jack had behaved himself almost impeccably at first, being fairly dry of rum by then and demonstrating a temperance that made him sound much more refined in his speech and appear much more elegant (and sober) in his walk.

It had all come apart horribly at the Grand Ball which Lady Norrington had thrown some days before Christmas, when Jack had discovered the punch. And the champagne. And the gin. And a glorious creature in cherry coloured silk whom he had fallen head over heels in love with and demanded that she dance with him. Only the wonderful scarlet vision had doggedly refused to take the floor on the principle that, firstly, he was actually a papal legate and that, secondly, Sparrow was drunk. Jack had just begun to make enquiries as to whether the answer might change if he went away and sobered up, when Norrington had hurried him away and dumped him back in his room to come to his senses.

He hadn’t, naturally.

Since then Sparrow had effected an escape from the Norrington household by climbing out of his bedroom window and had been making his way by stages to the seamier parts of London, down near the Tower. And spending most of his meagre resources on loose living (the rest he’d frittered away). And meeting up in a rather less disreputable tavern than normal with a distinctly superior acting lieutenant who’d bought two bottles of rum, presented one to Jack and proceeded to pour out a sob story. Sparrow didn’t mind – it was the least he could do, lend an ear to the poor bloke, when he’d been so generous with the falling down water.

“He said that he loved me.” The young officer’s eyes began to well.

“They always do, old cock. Liars and knaves the lot of them.” Jack was not sure whom he was slandering but when another man was doing the buying, it was as well to keep in with him.

“Then I found out that he’d been snogging some French tart while I was risking my life to defend a bloody French bridge.”

“The scallywag. Totally undeserving of such sterling friendship as you offered him.”

“Now he’s crawling back to me with his tail between his legs as if nothing happened.”

“Snivelling cur.” Sparrow wondered whether he’d gone too far with the last insult, as the officer turned to him sharply.

“You obviously know him, sir.”

“I do indeed.” Jack found it easy to lie, always had from barely out of his cradle. “And in my opinion the rumours are probably true.”

“What rumours?”

“That he’s a eunuch. One look at that walk and who could possibly doubt it? Has he got a lovely singing voice?”

The other man laughed bitterly. “I can assure you that he’s tone deaf and what’s more is fully equipped in the orlop decks. He may have been a eunuch as far as she was concerned, but with me I can vouch for his credentials. Or could.” He took a swig of rum, his clear blue eyes growing hazier as the liquid in the bottle diminished.

“A gentleman’s credentials; they’re like a whore’s favours. Go to the highest bidder.” Jack felt that drinking this quality of rum was making him particularly witty and clever – shame he couldn’t afford it all the time. “What you need to do is to give him a taste of his own medicine; put said scoundrel’s nose out of joint.”

“I have no inclination to go off kissing any tarts, French or otherwise.” The officer drew himself up to his full five foot nine and looked down at Sparrow. The rum suddenly shot straight to the man’s head - having the same effect as a ball whizzing past - and he sat down with a thump.

“No strumpets necessary, should they not be to your inclinations. Where is this ne'er-do-well?”

“He’s off dining with our Captain, Sir Edward Pellew. He’ll be back later – insisted that we still share a room as we’ve always done when ashore.” The young man drained the last of the rum and stared into the bottle, as if close inspection might magically restore it to fullness. “I expect he thinks it’ll be business as usual when he comes back.” He snorted, sending a shower of rum-flavoured spittle all over Sparrow. Jack was unconcerned – he’d seen Norrington at his worst and this was nothing in comparison.

“This calls for significant action. What do you think would give this disreputable hound a sufficient shock on his return?”

“He’d be distinctly nonplussed if he found me dancing naked on the tables here. Or singing rude shanties outside The Admiralty. Or better still, down on the Thames, heading downstream with a pirate. Not that I’d be able to find one of those at this time of night.”

Sparrow’s eyes opened wide in disbelief - was this man blind? Then he looked down at his own clothes – still the rather nice, well cut outfit that he’d purloined from chez Norrington – and realised that he probably just appeared to be some eccentric gentleman, rather than the scourge of the Seven Seas. He beckoned to his new friend to come closer, rolled up his sleeve and showed the tell tale brand. “Reckon you’re in luck, me old china. Need a pirate and I’m your man. Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl. ” He stood up and bowed as deeply as the rum in his system would allow.

The officer tried to do the same but the alcohol wouldn’t let him. “Archie Kennedy, acting lieutenant of Indefatigable at your command.” He began to smile, slyly. “Horatio would have a fit.”

“Serves him right – associating with loose women. Disgraceful behaviour.” Sparrow tried to look appropriately offended; this night was showing distinct possibilities.

The officer began to giggle. “If he came back and found a note to say that I’d thrown in my lot with a pirate he’d go absolutely bloody berserk.”

“An entirely proper punishment.”

The officer’s well trained naval brain began to whirr, even in its inebriated state. “Do you have a ship to hand, holed up in a bay somewhere?”

“Ah. There’s the rub, Archie. I am at present sorely lacking in the boatty substances, although I would venture that between us we could obtain the same.” He leaned closer, creating a conspiratorial atmosphere. “You strike me as being useful about deck. Shall we meander down to the shores of Old Father Thames and see if we can commandeer a wherry?”

“Horatio won’t be that perturbed if we’re just rowing some little boat up to Rotherhithe.”

“Ah, Mr Kennedy, your ambitions are too limited; we start with a wherry, we make our way up through sloop and frigate to a ship of the line if need be.” The rum had fully permeated into Jack’s brain and his flight of fancy was soaring on eagle’s wings.
“We’ll sail the seas and make our fortunes. You can buy your mother a tiara.”

“She already has one.” Archie suddenly put down his empty bottle, which he was nurturing lovingly like a baby. A tear came to his eye again. “I couldn’t be a pirate. Mama would never approve; even if it was at Horatio’s expense. She’s never liked him.”

“I don’t blame her.” Sparrow shook his head. “I still think he’s a eunuch; he’s just very good at conning you. I’d smoke him in a moment. Anyway you can always tell your dear Mama – a sainted lady I’ve heard – that you’re serving on a Letter of Marque. They’re just tarted up pirates, really.”

Archie nodded. “She might approve of that. Especially when I tell her what Horatio did to make me take such a dramatic course. In fact, when I inform her that…” Kennedy came to a sudden halt and began an elaborate pantomime of nudges and winks and rolling of eyes that indicated to Jack, full of rum as he was, that somebody had entered the tavern and that someone was probably the man they were plotting against.

“Archie!” Hornblower was astounded to see his friend in such an obvious state of inebriation. He eyed the other man at the table with a degree of evaluation which would equal that he gave to a strange sail on the horizon - weighing friend or foe, relative firepower.

“Mr Hornblower.” Kennedy didn’t bother to rise from the table. “You are just in time to wish me both farewell and good luck in my new venture. This gentleman, Captain Starling…”

“Sparrow.”

“…and I are about to embark on a life of piracy and adventure. Don’t bother to plead to join us, as we have no room aboard for knaves or scallywags.”

“I have no intention of becoming a pirate. And neither have you.” Horatio reached for the man’s arm but was shrugged aside.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mr Hornblower. I have decided that I shall go where people obey the rules of gentlemanly conduct.” Archie nodded his head pompously.

“Rules? Gentlemen? Pirates?” Horatio snorted and rolled his eyes.

“There is a pirate code, Mr Hornblower. I’ve heard about it.” Archie fixed his friend somewhat unsteadily. “It specifically states that no man will go off gratuitously snogging French trollops.” Kennedy felt as if he had made such a pronouncement as an Admiral might at a court martial. He felt entirely sure of himself, despite the ringing in his ears.

“What nonsense.”

“Not nonsense, perfectly true. I appeal to my friend here to confirm it.” Archie turned to Jack. Sparrow decided that he had been wise so far to refrain from involvement in this lovers’ tiff and wished to continue to take this sensible stance. Anyway he could not in all honesty back up Kennedy’s claims, as the pirate code actually made the kissing of French trollops almost de rigeur.

“Archie, you’re drunk.” Hornblower shook his head and sat down with a sigh.

“He may be drunk, but you’re a pompous ass,” Sparrow could not stop himself speaking this time, “and in the morning, Mr Kennedy will be sober.”

As he came round, Jack Sparrow cursed himself for letting this high quality rum let him become quite so epigrammatic. At least it had also increased, or so it seemed, his powers of logical reasoning. He could see the ceiling straight ahead, therefore he was on the floor. He was on the floor, therefore he had fallen down. He had fallen down while sitting, therefore he’d probably been knocked out. His jaw hurt therefore he’d probably been punched on it. Hornblower was nursing his hand, therefore he’d been the one to do the punching. It was the sort of logic that would have taxed even Euclid.

“I do not allow my honour to be besmirched by any man.” Hornblower looked down at his slanderer.

“Indeed not, Mr Sparrow, Horatio’s quite capable of doing it himself.” Archie pointed his beloved rum bottle at the man like a sword.

Hornblower looked as if he was going to take a swing at his friend as well. Much as he disliked being on the floor, Jack decided that the safest place to be was horizontal and out of reach. He felt the toe of a shoe nudge him.

“There’s a pirate code, isn’t there? And doesn’t it say that if someone falls behind you have to leave him?”

“Yes, on count one, yes on count two but on the third count, the Code is more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules. In fact…”

“Do you hear that, Archie? You want to be a pirate, but you could never live by their rules. I fell behind, at the bridge in France, but you came back for me.” Tears began to well in Horatio’s eyes. “You risked everything for me, just as you did on the deck of the Indy when your leadership helped keep my parole. Every time I fall behind you come back and save me.” The drops began to flow down Hornblower’s face and could not be stemmed.

“That’s what friends do, Horatio.” Kennedy suddenly sounded incredibly sober. “That’s what partners do. They look after each other and they don’t go off snogging tarts.”

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I do not deserve either your love or friendship; I have realised that now, at last and perhaps too late. I would beg you to forgive me, but I would understand if you could not. If this time I have fallen too far behind.”

“Horatio.” Archie reached out tentatively. “I don’t think I want to be a pirate any more.”

Sparrow quietly began to edge across the floor, to a place he could get up in safety. He recognised that he was no longer wanted nor needed by these two. Perhaps if he slipped his tail sufficiently between his legs, adopted the expression that Horatio wore and employed some of his words, then he might be taken back into the Norrington household, as Horatio had been taken back into Kennedy’s arms – the latter at least metaphorically, if not yet in actuality.

It was a full ten minutes later that Hornblower asked where the pirate had gone and Archie replied that he neither knew nor cared and which pirate do you mean, exactly?

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 04:15 pm (UTC)
ext_3563: A little reading elf, captioned 'fool for books' (avast?)
From: [identity profile] lokei.livejournal.com
*snicker* Oh, Jack Sparrow, you do indeed get wittier the higher quality the rum. And Archie drunk is enough to tempt a saint, let alone Sparrow--however did he keep his hands off?

...and people reading a fanzine need to be warned about slash? *blinks incredulously*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
I don't write Jack Sparrow often, but he's an absolute pleasure when he appears on my page. For me I mean.

That warning did amuse me - I'd be happy for my daughters to read this. I mean, there's no more innuendo than in the 1968 edition of Round the Horne I listened to today and that was 'family listening'!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetphaex.livejournal.com
*titter* Eeeeheehee! Drunk Archie is AWESOME.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
I should write drunk Archie again. he has such dignity....

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetphaex.livejournal.com
I suggest he and Norrington should get their bender on.

And then be forced to play Twister.

Nothing says 'dignity' like drunk Twister.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Jack eats the ship!

I can't write Norrington at all.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetphaex.livejournal.com
La! I love that icon, it's hypnotic.

As for James, I find him a lot like Horatio, only older, graceful and not nearly as socialy awkward. But yes, Norrington is a hard one to keep in cannonish.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Do you know significance of said icon? Great Barrowman fan importance.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetphaex.livejournal.com
Blah! Discussing the wrong Jack!!!

I was speaking of Jack Aubrey, and his appauling eating habits.

*points to icon I'm using right now*

It seems apt.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 03:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Soz. Was dumb. Jack is magnificent.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-19 12:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetphaex.livejournal.com
TOO MANY JACKS!!

(Wonders if this were a good thing or a bad thing?)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 05:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shezzawatto.livejournal.com
I know I've been so remiss in feedback, but just happened to have a mo to look at this. Hilarious!! I can *see* and *hear* Jack Sparrow. The dialogue, both internal and spoken, is brilliant.

Lines that made me snigger or laugh outright:

Jack had discovered the punch. And the champagne. And the gin.

a glorious creature in cherry coloured silk whom he had fallen head over heels in love with and demanded that she dance with him. Only the wonderful scarlet vision had doggedly refused to take the floor on the principle that, firstly, he was actually a papal legate
ROTFLMAO

fully equipped in the orlop decks
You come up with new ones every time!

I am at present sorely lacking in the boatty substances

Anyway he could not in all honesty back up Kennedy’s claims, as the pirate code actually made the kissing of French trollops almost de rigeur.
*snort*

He could see the ceiling straight ahead, therefore he was on the floor. He was on the floor, therefore he had fallen down. He had fallen down while sitting, therefore he’d probably been knocked out. His jaw hurt therefore he’d probably been punched on it. Hornblower was nursing his hand, therefore he’d been the one to do the punching. It was the sort of logic that would have taxed even Euclid.
*holds sides*

Yes, on count one, yes on count two but on the third count, the Code is more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules
Lucky he wasn't able to complete the sentence otherwise he might have spoiled Horatio's argument and then where would we be?

Loved the wrap up as well. Reconciliation! Ah! Satisfaction.
Thanks for the entertainment.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 11:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
###I know I've been so remiss in feedback, but just happened to have a mo to look at this. Hilarious!! I can *see* and *hear* Jack Sparrow. The dialogue, both internal and spoken, is brilliant.###

Thank you so much.
Understand entirely ref feedback - why has life to be so busy? I've given up thinking 'I'll do that when the kids go back to school' - I should think in terms of doing it when they go off to Uni!

###a glorious creature in cherry coloured silk whom he had fallen head over heels in love with and demanded that she dance with him. Only the wonderful scarlet vision had doggedly refused to take the floor on the principle that, firstly, he was actually a papal legate###

Magpie mind time. That's allegedly a true story but can't remember who it's supposed to have been doing the asking.

###fully equipped in the orlop decks
You come up with new ones every time!###

I'll have to remember that one - I do like it.

###I am at present sorely lacking in the boatty substances###

xxx substances totally gacked from Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

##
*holds sides*###

Breathe woman, breathe!

##
Lucky he wasn't able to complete the sentence otherwise he might have spoiled Horatio's argument and then where would we be?###

Up the creek sans the paddly substances.

###Loved the wrap up as well. Reconciliation! Ah! Satisfaction.
Thanks for the entertainment.###

My pleasure my dear. *bows*

Gives you pretty French boy icon.

(no subject)

Date: 2016-08-16 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bauhiniakapok.livejournal.com
This has all my favorite quotes. I want to take Drunk Archie home and keep him as a pet.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 12:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shezzawatto.livejournal.com
Gives you pretty French boy icon.

Mercy buckup!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Ain't he cute? A sort of Archie-on-the-wing!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 03:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hh-katie.livejournal.com
This was fun. I like drunk Archie.

I always figured that Mariette kissed Horatio and not the other way around and thus Archie would forgive him. I guess it took a little more than I thought.

Thanks for the smiles.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 03:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Drunk Archie is such fun to write - that mixture of dignity and leglessness.

My pleasure to raise a laugh.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 08:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jesstercat.livejournal.com
Jack Sparrow and drunk Archie make me giggle :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-19 11:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
They're such an amusing pair, aren't they? Much more than old grumpy guts who has to come among and spoil the fun.

Thanks!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-21 06:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyhamilton.livejournal.com
This is hilarious! The warning is also amusing, because the only danger for me was laughing out loud while I was supposed to be talking to my sister on the phone (which really only involves 'mm-hmm'ing while she natters on).
I would quote all the lines that made me laugh, but that would be the whole story. And the ending is very sweet. =)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-21 08:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
The warning made me a bit cross at first but now I see the funny side. I suppose I write corrupting stuff...

Thank you many times over. Jack sparrow is fun to write, as long as one only has to do it occasionally.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-22 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hockeyvaughnfan.livejournal.com
*giggles* Brilliant! Loved it all, especially this bit:

“He may be drunk, but you’re a pompous ass,” Sparrow could not stop himself speaking this time, “and in the morning, Mr Kennedy will be sober.”

As he came round, Jack Sparrow cursed himself for letting this high quality rum let him become quite so epigrammatic. At least it had also increased, or so it seemed, his powers of logical reasoning. He could see the ceiling straight ahead, therefore he was on the floor. He was on the floor, therefore he had fallen down. He had fallen down while sitting, therefore he’d probably been knocked out. His jaw hurt therefore he’d probably been punched on it. Hornblower was nursing his hand, therefore he’d been the one to do the punching. It was the sort of logic that would have taxed even Euclid.


There's no fooling Jack Sparrow is there - brilliant deducting *giggles more*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-23 12:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Jack Sparrow - the 18th century's premier exponent of critical thinking. *g*

Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 10:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kittycallum.livejournal.com
That was really funny! Oh, *Captain* Jack Sparrow, how you entertain me. And Drunk Archie is exactly the way I imagined he'd be, as well!

Great story, quite touching at the end even through being so very amusing.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 12:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'd almost forgotten this story and how much fun Jack Sparrow is to write.

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anteros-lmc.livejournal.com
Awww that's brilliant! How I love the idea of Horatio weighing Captain Jack's relative firepower. *snigger* And as for Archie "heading down stream with a pirate", my dear, what a delicious idea! Horatio is indeed a disgraceful hound, he doesn't deserve Mr Kennedy at all.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] charliecochrane.livejournal.com
I'm sure Horatio classifies anyone who hovers around Archie as an 'enemy sail'.

Archie is wasted on Horatio. He should come around here...

Cheers

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_likimeya/
*rofl* Your captain Jack is hilarious, and I can see him as clearly as if I were watching the movies, especially the crawling away on he floor part. *still snickering*

“Horatio.” Archie reached out tentatively. “I don’t think I want to be a pirate any more.”
D'awww! Tipsy Archie is even even more adorable than the sober version.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-09 05:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylodon.livejournal.com
Thank you. I had almost forgotten this story - wish I could still write Jack Sparrow!

There are maudlin drunks and belligerent drunks - Archie is a sort of reverts-to-being-seven type drunk.
Page generated Oct. 21st, 2017 01:55 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios